Dear Appa, I have a problem thats eating me up very bad. And its something noone around me can help me with.
All my life I was convinced I wanted to have children but then I grew up in this society and now my mind is changing. Im about to get married to the love of my life in a year but I no longer want children. Whats the point of bringing a child in this shitty world? Everything is dying out. Women in pakistan are constantly at risk, barely any good opportunities for my child, a bad society to grow up in (actually anywhere in the world), climate change ia going to kill us soon anyway, so much PTSD will be passed on to my child and then Ill constantly be terrified of all the problems the child will face growing up and just, goodness the world is dying whats the point of having a kid?
But Id be lying if I said a very huge part of me doesn’t want children. I do want to have a child, but not for selfish reasons. How do I decide?
I haven’t talked to my partner yet, but Im sure he will be supportive with any decision I make because he is wonderful. But obviously I don’t want to hurt him and reject his choices either.
How do I decide?
– Barren but with intention
Appa’s Response:
I think first things first, breathe.
And remember these are extraordinary times to be alive in. And this last year has made the best of us question our core practices, and this is a major decision for you and your partner.
My simple advice would be to communicate all these very valid fears to your significant other. How you two navigate these uncertain waters will also be a valid variable in understanding how you two manage each other’s reservations going forward. I can only imagine that there is deep love and compassion in this relationship for you to claim that he will get it. So confide in him and see where his head and heart is at.
Secondly, do pay heed to the times and allot a realistic valuation to your emotional reaction to how we have been living this past year. While I am itching to advise you to go with the flow and take it easy and see what the future holds, my two bits on the matter will be restricted to don’t over think this for now.
Once you speak to the concerned stakeholder(s), you might be in a better position to approach this dilemma.
Children are a very funny phenomenon. They are the only true legacy holders of all your paradigms, functional or otherwise. We place unrealistic expectations on their upbringing and achievements but the moment one falters , you are reminded of how fragile it all is.
Am I helping or is this frustrating you further?
I so wish I could meet you and talk heart to heart!
Having children is fascinating and crazy and frustrating and exhilarating all at once. They are tiny illustrations of what is you and yet little bundles of energy that’s entirely their own. You get to shape their eager minds with ethos that you wish shaped the world , yet they surprise you with their own version of events and you get to observe this world from a fresh untainted perspective, yet again. It is truly a gift. Yet it’s the biggest responsibility on this planet that most of us believe we are naturally entitled to.
So breathe my child. You are asking the right questions. But know that your universe is what you intend it to be. The world shall continue on it’s orbital journey with damage and devastation and joy and celebration.
You will know when you will know.
This is your ship and you know how to navigate. And it’s ok if at times you don’t.
Much Love,
Appa