Artwork by Ayesha Sultan (@meat_eating.orchids)
To my body, mera jism.
I am sorry. I am sorry for my unkindness towards you, for all the times that I abandoned you when you yelled for help.
At eight, as you squirmed in disgust when Qaari Sahb touched but you were too young to process what he was doing, I am sorry for leaving your calls for help unheard then.
At twelve, when you bled for the first time, I am sorry for cursing you and hiding you from the world. You were doing what you had to do, exactly what you were destined to do, and I am sorry for questioning you for the most natural of functions of yours. They did not teach me any better.
At thirteen, when you started purging, I am sorry for putting on the harshest of chemicals on you to hide the acne. I am sorry for letting them call you ugly. You are a fierce force of strength, you bore through it all and did not collapse for once.
At fifteen, when you were groped in public, you retaliated – you pushed back with every fiber of strength in you and I am so proud of you. You yelled and yelled, and they heard you.
At seventeen, when he broke your heart and left you because you had hair, I am sorry for letting you believe that hair makes you ugly. Ugly is not a word for you. It never was and it never will be.
And at eighteen, when he reminded you yet again of how disgusting your hair makes you, I am proud of you for calling him out, for telling him how disgust runs through his vessels and his eyes.
At twenty, when you felt unfit, I am proud of you for running miles and miles. I am proud of you for doing what you felt was right.
At twenty-one, when the world felt you were unfit, I am proud of you for not running this time, because you felt otherwise.
I am so proud of you, and I am equally sorry. For the last twenty years, you have been my silent warrior. You were there with me every time I was unkind to you. Your commitment was unconditional. You bore through every fierce battle with me and for that, I am forever grateful. To mera jism, it took you twenty-one years, but you did teach me that you are meri marzi.
|Ramsha S||Hi! My name is Ramsha Shoaib Jilani. I am a cat and chai lover, journal hoarder and laal surkhi obsessed feminist. I also happen to be a student of fashion, majoring in Fashion Marketing and Merchandising. You can find me on Instagram: @ramsha1998.|