Behenchara

Diary of an independent woman in a man’s world

Mene thori si duniya dekhi hae to bohat kuch samjhti hu mae. Ab poocho ge duniya kioun dekhi tumne? Aurton ko to ‘fragile flower’ ki tarha hona chahye. Jee mae thi aik fragile flower jab tak aba chor ke chalay nae gaye.

Aik ghar me 3 aurtien (ma, behan aur mae) saal se akeli rehti haen. Ab adat hogai hae sabzi mandi me dhake khane ki aur workshops me ja k gari theek kerwanay ki. Fragility tabhi khatam hogai thi jab pehli I got gropped.
Is duniya se bohat dar lagta hae lekin phir zinda bhe rehna hae to bahaduri dekhani perti hae. Apni ma ka sahara banna hae, unho ne sari zindagi itna pyar dia tou ab meri bari. Mental health you duniya ke shake kha k kharab hoti hae. Ghar me reh ke ma ke hath ke parathay kha k naheen.

Jab log takaluf ker kay poochte haen k ‘kesse ho? Kuch chahye?’ Tou kaun bataye ke raton ko neend nai aati. I shouldn’t have to need a man’s protection lekin kambakht zamanay ne majboor ker rakha hae yaar. Quarantine me halat kuch youn haen k logon ke gharon me daku ghus rahay haen. Ab ham teen akeli aurtien haen, yahan koi ghus aya to kya hoga? Sarri raat uthi rehti hu k kam az kam kuch ho to mujhe ho, meri ma aur behan ko naheen. Mard zaat ki existence ka khauf persist kerta hi rahay ga shayad.

Hamne stock up to karlia tha sab cheezo pe. Mene apni life savings jisse socha tha kabhi apna business kholu gi, usse staple foods le ai aur bill dediye. Saray pessay aisay lag jatay haen phir ma ki help kerne kilye kaam bhe kernay hotay haen. Between this earning and working and slaving away I forget to spend anything on myself aur phir log haath dekh kay kehte haen ‘apne hatho ko moisturise kia kero kafi sakht hogaye haen’.

Lekin me is quarantine me khush hun. Mere sir pe chatt hae aur ham bhookay nae sotay. Shayad mere ghar me koi mard naheen to mujhe abuse wale maslay nae haen. Ye mat sochiye ke kabhi experience nae kiye. Bachpan me ghar ke ander hone wali abuse face ki aur bare ho ke ghar se bahir jane wali. Quarantine me aaj kal itna bahar na jana parh raha aur ghar pe koi mard naheen hae to shayad isiliye khush hun.

I know for a fact yehi ghar mujhe dozakh jesa lagta if I was trapped at home with some man. Growth and learning would have been impossible. Ab trapped naheen hun. This feels like a break. I’m at home, with women who have never let me down. We fight and we argue, but never to bring each other down. Do minute me sab theek hota hae. Koi dar naheen lagta kay khanay me kuch uper neeche hoga to ab larai hogi. Har jagah positive energy hae bas.

Sach bolu tou itna sukoon aaj se pehle tak mehsoos nai kia. Lekin phir jab mai aur meri behan curfew se pehle groceries lene bahir jatay haen tou log 2 jawan larkio ko in halat me bahir aisi nazro se dekhte haen jessay shakal pe kisi ne drawing banai ho aur hame pata nae hae.

The only interaction I’ve had with a man during quarantine is with a plumber I called. Washing machine ka pipe mangwana tha. Baat sun ker aur kaam samjh ke kehta ‘aap ghar me akeli rehti haen?’. Koi nae, thokar ki dukano pe jana abhi likha tha kismat me to me wahan bhe chali gai.

Brown humour often mocks how middle class mothers complain ‘mae muft ki kaam wali mil gai hun’. Shuker hae mere ghar me sirf autein haen warna abhi ham maids hi hoti. Me aur meri behan koi 4 saal se is ghar ki breadwinner haen lekin treatment breadlosers wali hi milti thi. (See what I did there?) At least during quarantine there’s no man with a fragile ego around jisko behtar feel kerwane kilye hame apni sense of self marni parti hae.

Marx bhai sahab ne sahi kaha tha k ‘women and children offer free labour to the capitalist bourgeois.’ Ma ki generation wali khawateen warriors haen sab. Meri struggles kuch bhe nae. Halat ne majboor ker kay mere lie actually me gender roles abolish kerdie. Phir kehte haen feminine nae hun, bohat opinionated hun, intimidating hun.
Aurton ko object ki tarhan treat to kerte haen sab. Did we ever stop to think what happens to their sense of self after all of this? Sexualise kerlia, ghussa release karlia, kaam kerwa lia, bachay paida kerwa lie, apne khwab bhulwa dena. Sari zindagi bas aik ma bane ka khula moka detay haen. Baki saray haq cheen lete hae ye duniya hamse.

I’m going to end this on a positive note and say mae bohat khush hun during this lockdown kioun kay ghar me dupatta naheen pehnna par raha, kabhi kabhi short skirt bhe pehan ke ghoomti hun, jhooti sehri nae kerni parti, ham teeno ko koi toxic male tang nae kar raha to zindagi me bohat sukoon hae. I’ve never been happier and neither has my family. Jesse the world is healing I feel like so am I. I’ve never felt at peace for so long. I’m not hurting anymore. And I’ve never had hair this healthy and skin this clear. My peace of mind shows on me. Sara zakhm bhar rahay haen. Itni der se kisi ne mentally aur physically abuse jo naheen kia. Aurton ke saath reh ke I’ve discovered the power of being female. Bas kash akele cycle chalane bahir ja sakte ham.

 

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