Behenchara

Dear Jism

Artwork by Ayesha Sultan (@meat_eating.orchids)

To my body, mera jism. 

I am sorry. I am sorry for my unkindness towards you, for all the times that I abandoned you when you yelled for help. 

At eight, as you squirmed in disgust when Qaari Sahb touched but you were too young to process what he was doing, I am sorry for leaving your calls for help unheard then. 

At twelve, when you bled for the first time, I am sorry for cursing you and hiding you from the world. You were doing what you had to do, exactly what you were destined to do, and I am sorry for questioning you for the most natural of functions of yours. They did not teach me any better. 

At thirteen, when you started purging, I am sorry for putting on the harshest of chemicals on you to hide the acne. I am sorry for letting them call you ugly. You are a fierce force of strength, you bore through it all and did not collapse for once. 

At fifteen, when you were groped in public, you retaliated – you pushed back with every fiber of strength in you and I am so proud of you. You yelled and yelled, and they heard you. 

At seventeen, when he broke your heart and left you because you had hair, I am sorry for letting you believe that hair makes you ugly. Ugly is not a word for you. It never was and it never will be. 

And at eighteen, when he reminded you yet again of how disgusting your hair makes you, I am proud of you for calling him out, for telling him how disgust runs through his vessels and his eyes. 

At twenty, when you felt unfit, I am proud of you for running miles and miles. I am proud of you for doing what you felt was right. 

At twenty-one, when the world felt you were unfit, I am proud of you for not running this time, because you felt otherwise. 

I am so proud of you, and I am equally sorry. For the last twenty years, you have been my silent warrior. You were there with me every time I was unkind to you. Your commitment was unconditional. You bore through every fierce battle with me and for that, I am forever grateful. To mera jism, it took you twenty-one years, but you did teach me that you are meri marzi.

 

Ramsha S Hi! My name is Ramsha Shoaib Jilani. I am a cat and chai lover, journal hoarder and laal surkhi obsessed feminist. I also happen to be a student of fashion, majoring in Fashion Marketing and Merchandising. You can find me on Instagram: @ramsha1998. 

 

2 thoughts on “Dear Jism”

  1. Aafeen Muddasir

    Loved reading this article. Self acceptance of body needs to be taken up aggressively since the start. So many young people go through mental torture before learning to live themselves as they are ans some still never do. Be kind to yourself first

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